Sorry this is a little late, but I got back from New York on Tuesday afternoon and then the entire fucking world exploded at 1 am on Wednesday, so I’m sure you understand.
In light of recent events, I just want to take this time to implore everyone to look past our differences, and to go into the future with open minds and h– OH WAIT, NO I DON’T
After eight years of birther bullshit and government shutdowns and “not my president” and at least 62 attempts to repeal the ACA and then the absolute garbage perpetrated by the DNC itself during the primaries, NO. I will not “go high.” Sorry, Michelle.
This reminds me of all the misguided advice given to children who are being bullied. “They’re doing it because they’re unhappy.” “They probably have a terrible home life and are jealous of you.” “If you ignore them, they’ll lose interest and go away.” When has that advice EVER worked? Here’s a fun fact: sometimes bullies have great self esteem, and, along with a deficient capacity for empathy, actually just happen to enjoy being assholes. No amount of “taking the high road” will change people like that. Likewise, trying to understand the I-care-more-about-my-taxes-than-your-civil-rights faux-Libertarian choads and the ain’t-no-woman-going-to-tell-me-what-to-do pieces of shit and the took-‘er-jerbs idiots and the honestly SHOCKING amount of anti-semitic hate monsters—no amount of understanding and working together will (or ever has) change the way those people think.
(Oh, but remember that one time nonviolent protests propelled the civil rights movement to success? That worked, right? Well, kind of, except that face of the civil rights movement was FUCKING MURDERED. But what about the time that putting daisies down the barrels of military rifles ended the Vietnam War? or when we were very disappointed in the policemen who killed unarmed black children so they totally cut out that kind of behavior? or that thing where we really disapprove of rampant sexual abuse in the Catholic church but keep sending kids there because… something about Jesus I guess?)
So what I’d actually like to implore people to do right now is BURN IT ALL TO THE GODDAMN GROUND.
(Using your menstrual blood as war paint is optional.)
Well, that kind of got away from me, huh? I mean, jeez, this is a DIY blog, not an anarchist recruitment site. So where were we again? Right, my One Room Challenge update. I decided to switch some things up last minute, so here’s a new overview of how my plan has evolved.
- I decided to switch the artwork out for something a little more upbeat and inspiring. This flag is pretty versatile–you can use it as a very stylish cape when we all rise up to seize the means of production.
- After the apocalypse is underway, food might be hard to find. I figure we’ll all be busy stringing up bankers and fighting off sexual assault, so learning the essentials of falconry will help keep our bellies full. (Don’t forget your protective glove!)
- Speaking of sexual assault, do you know how many rich old men will be allowed to grab me by the pussy? Exactly one, because I will use my new axe to chop off his hand and wear it as a god damn necklace to serve as a warning to the men I encounter in my travels. Also, you can use the axe to build a super cute lean-to once all the buildings in America are reduced to smoldering rubble.
- Admit it, you’ve always wanted a really expensive passport holder. Buy it now before all the major financial institutions collapse, and you can feel super fancy when you’re boarding a leaky fishing boat to Cuba.
- It probably goes without saying, but gasoline will be a Definite Must in the new world order. We’ll go through quite a bit while we’re burning down Wall Street, but we’ll also need a bunch to keep warm durning the coming nuclear winter. I’m going to keep myself safe with an EPA-approved gas container and extra-long fireplace matches, and stay on-trend with a rustic brass and copper match holder.
- No One Room Challenge shopping list would be complete without an Ariocarpuscactus peyote cactus root. Trust me, we’re going to be making a lot of peyote. A LOT.
- Finally, a solid gold chalice for drinking the blood of our oppressors. If that sounds too gross, you can also use it for storing the eyeballs of your oppressors, the testicles of your oppressors, the thumbs of your oppressors–whatever you want really, it’s super versatile. I unfortunately couldn’t find a solid gold one on Amazon, but this one is gold-plated silver and it costs $14,000, so I’m sure it will be fine.
(Not pictured: that copper and rope chair from CB2 that I still can’t stop thinking about. I’m planning on grabbing it once the sky starts raining fire and looting begins in earnest.)
I’m so excited to post my final reveal next week! (Assuming, obviously, that the internet still exists and any of us even remember what a “blog” is.)