Declutter 2017: the Pajamaning

In the grand tradition of pretty much every year I can remember since about age 12, I have declared this year to be the year where I Finally Get My Shit Together. I’m not going to let the fact that I’ve failed at that task every single other time I’ve attempted it stop me, because, as the old saying goes, “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the sign of a healthy and productive mind.” This year I’m going to kind of move the goalposts, though– instead of focusing on silly, ephemeral things like “getting a real job” and “paying the electric bill on time twice in a row”  or “finally making some friends in Chicago,” I’m going to divert my efforts to the two areas everyone should always be working on: dismantling the capitalist regime, and developing a sensible clothing storage method.

On the clothing front, I hoard clothes in the most absurd way possible. Dresses I don’t care for anymore? Donated! Pretty shoes that pinch a little? Get out of here! Cashmere sweater that doesn’t quite fit anymore? Forced into the hands of a skinnier friend before it even realized what was happening. A few months ago I gave away a brand new (with tags!) Marc Jacobs dress I got at a sample sale because it was silk and I remembered wearing silk stresses me out too much. I’m incredible at getting rid of nice stuff. When it comes to garbage like ripped tights and moth-eaten sweaters, though, I’m like a goddamn squirrel stocking up for nuclear winter. Somehow in my mind, I will eventually end up in an emergency situation where a pair of shredded nylons will be the answer to all my problems and a hole-y stretched out neon yellow camisole will save us from The Bomb. I understand that these things will probably never happen, but, you know, what if??

A few months ago, after wasting probably my ten-thousandth cumulative hour sorting through my tights drawer to find a pair that fit and weren’t destroyed, I finally had enough and dumped the entire thing in the trash. I replaced them all with a few 3-packs of DKNY tights from Century 21 and it was pretty much the best thing I’ve ever done. A few weeks ago I decided it was time to give my pajama drawer the same treatment.

This drawer was basically my excuse to never throw anything away ever. Buffalo sauce on the front of a white t-shirt = pajamas. Tacky Jack Daniels t-shirt from work = pajamas. 11 year old tank top from Charlotte Russe that’s missing a strap = pajamas. Oh, and the Pajama Jeans™.  Pajama Jeans™ and I have an, um, complicated relationship. But in conclusion, this drawer ensured that I looked like a hobo 100% of the time I was at home. (Because, obviously, I change into pajamas the instant I get home, and stay home as much as humanly possible. I don’t even actually wear pajamas to bed, which means this is technically all just loungewear, but The Pajamaning is way too hilarious of a title to discard at this point.) (Get it? It’s like The Frightening, but about pajamas? Anyone?)

Well, those days are over, my friends. I got rid of 99% of the contents of that drawer, researched extensively,  developed an extremely solid Pajama Outline, and executed Operation: the Pajamaning all within two weeks. DECISIVE ACTION, GUYS.

the new pajama wardrobe:

(clockwise from left:)

  1. THE BEST LEGGINGS EVER. Seriously. I have 5 pairs. They’re crazy soft, infinitely stretchy but never actually stretch out, never turn see-through, and cost $13. They come in a billion patterns but I don’t really understand how to wear color or patterns so I just stick with black. Also, I’ve never worn LuLaRoe leggings because that’s not really my jam, but these are apparently from the same factory or something. (Protip: for pajama-only leggings, I order them in plus size for extra comfort.)
  2. Super snuggly Hanes hoodie. I haven’t owned a hoodie for at least the last decade because I don’t believe in wearing athletic wear in public for non-athletic purposes, and I don’t trust myself not to wear a hoodie recreationally since they’re so comfy, but it turns out wearing a hoodie around the house is just delightful. Also I’m currently in public wearing this hoodie.  Because I’m a monster. I am not being the change I seek in the world but I am SO COMFORTABLE.
  3. Target v-neck. Currently on sale for $3. I’m sure you guys know all about how awesome Target v-necks are.
  4. Forever 21 classic cami. These are pretty much the same as those Nordstrom camisoles but literally 10% of the price. I’m sure there are better ones out there but I have a few of these that are at least 5 years ago and in totally okay condition.
  5. Target tank top. You guys know how good these are too, right? They’re my favorite for layering but also sooo comfy for lounging around the house.
  6. Forever 21 sweatshirt. You know, for when the Hanes hoodie isn’t quite formal enough.

I’ve been rocking this pajamadrobe for the last seven days and so far, it’s pretty boss. The horrifying PJ drawer now looks like this:

 

(That sliver of green is from the PJ pants I keep for when Cayce comes over, and it’s just now occurring to me that maybe not everybody keeps a pair of stretchy pants around for their BFF to wear when they hang out? As far as I’m concerned, it’s very mean not to. I like my guests to feel just as sloth-like as I do.)

So that’s the end of my fascinating update on what I wear while I lie around and watch endless Frasier reruns while arguing with teenagers on Reddit. In all seriousness, I think this is one of the best things I’ve done for myself this year. Somehow it feels much more important than just wearing new tank tops. Or possibly I’ve let the Konmari cult a little too far into my brain. Either way, I’m loving my new hoodie.

(Oh, and that white dresser up there? It’s the short-lived Ikea Sveio, which was so unsuccessful that people at Ikea corporate could not even pull up a proper record for it when I spoke to them yesterday. I think it’s super great and have no idea why it wasn’t more popular, but it will tragically be leaving my life tomorrow in the service of some greater ideals. Its replacement is going to be SUPER FREAKING BOSS, though. I’m sad but SO EXCITED.)

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